#I DONT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK HOW THIS COMES OUT
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𝐌𝐘𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅, 𝐌𝐘 𝐌𝐎𝐍𝐄𝐘 & 𝐌𝐘 𝐆𝐈𝐑𝐋
nika mühl x teammate!fem!reader
DESCRIPTION/ while at a game you’re getting particularly targeted by the opposing team and it eventually gets out of hand but..nika don’t play about her girl
WARNINGS/ light descriptions of shoving & hitting, hateful words, descriptions of a bloody nose, cursing, spitting
Lost count of words but this is kinda short, more of a blurb (I think don’t quote me on that🌝)
THERE’S 3 THINGS NIKA DONT PLAY ABOUT, HERSELF, HER MONEY OR HER GIRL…you’ve always been independent and Nika knows you’re tough and can handle yourself but one of y’all’s relationship dynamics is you saying “I can do it myself” and Nika saying “I know you can but let me” She’s always been protective over you especially in games.
It’s the only the first quarter but you can tell that the opposing team was on your ass. You didn’t blame them at first, you where a menace on the court if you’re left un-guarded you would be quick to shoot. But it got the point where you where LITERALLY getting pushed around with multiple technical fouls getting called on the other team. Sure this was a contact sport but you where getting insanely targeted. You pull yourself together & get your head back in the game.
One of the opposing players had the ball, she sprinted down the court. She was on a mission but so where you. You block her shot and steal the ball passing it down to Nika she shoots and gets a three. The opposing player looked livid “that was just a fucking lucky play” the girl murmured at you and Nika. Both of you quick to snap your head around, you where pissed but held your tongue, Nika did the talking for you “How about you say it with your chest next time” she just rolled her eyes and continued the game.
As the game went on it only got worse the shoves got more personal, little snarky comments, the bitchy looks. It didn’t bother you as much as it did now, the refs not calling fouls on the other team for obvious techs only added fuel to the fire. Nika was fighting back for you giving back the same energy to them. The ball was in your hands and suddenly you got dogged on a girl trying to snatch the ball from you causing y’all both to fall to the ground you didn’t give up tho you snatched it right the hell back, “fucking bitch” she said getting all in your face. The whistle blew and a technical foul got called ONLY on you, you rolled your eyes as your teammates helped you up “bullshit” you exclaimed at the ref, Nika holds you back patting your back “Come on bebo they’re assholes I know but don’t get another unnecessary foul just fight them with your plays alright, make ‘em shut there mouths”
As the next quarter rolls around you just try to keep your head up, Nika having your back being aggressive with them & standing up for you. The balls back in your possession you go to make a shot but the same girl that pushed you down goes to “block”, her elbow hitting your nose knocking you down to the ground. The whole room felt like it was spinning there was a ringing in your ears. Once you felt a little more grounded you look down seeing blood on your jersey, you brought your hand up to your throbbing nose feeling the blood gushing down. The whistle blows a foul getting called on the opposing team fina-fucking-lly
“The fuck is your deal?” you see Nika yelling at the girl that elbowed you. “It’s a contact sport, if she can’t handle a little contact then she should pick a different sport” she bites back, Your teamates helps getting you to the medic. Nika scoffs at the girl. “maybe you should watch your damn mouth, getting all petty because you’re shit at basketball so you have to get fouls just to make a single shot” the girl shoved Nika and that’s when she lost it. Nika shoved her right back causing her to hit the ground. “Foul on Mühl” the ref called.
“keep my girls name out your fucking mouth” she spit on the girl. With another foul called on her she got dragged court side, she had been benched for this quarter of the game. She sat next you, her gaze immediately softening “Hey pretty girl, you okay?” she moves a lose stand of hair that fell from your ponytail out of your face. you nod “i’m fine nika..but you shouldn’t have got into a physical altercation now you’re ben-“ she cut you off “I wasn’t just gonna stand there and let you get dogged on, you know i got your back always..besides it’s just this quarter of the game” she cups your face gently “I wasn’t gonna let some bitch touch what’s mine and get away with it”
After a lecture from the couches & the refs they let Nika & you back in the game for the last quarter. Y’all played like y’all’s life depended on it. You already know you guys secured that win. You celebrated once y’all won. Nika pulling you into a tight hug “That’s my girl!..hell yeah see bebo I told you just let your plays do the talking” she winks “says the one who yelled and spat on a girls face” you laugh, she kisses you to shut you up, she smiles against your lips “And i’d gladly do it again for you, besides I play better when i’m pissed”
A/N pissed off Nika is so hot so yk I had to write about it mhm mhm 🙂↕️this is my first blurb so please be kind! writing tips & suggestions are always appreciated & requests are open🫡
love you always thanks for reading,
wish signing off 🪽
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Hold My Hand: 2
Previous chapter series masterlist
Pairing: Taehyung× fem!reader
Warnings for the chapter: slight angst, college au, slightly suggestive, fluff, kissing, slight violence, bullying mentions, they're not too young in this series, probably around 25.
Words: 1.8k approx
Summary: Experiencing their first fight but they just wanna make up.
Author's note: EARLY UPDATE! this is slightly inedited so please forgive any mistakes. ALSO, DO YOU GUYS WANT A TAGLIST FOR THIS STORY? ___________________________________________
As you stand in the entryway of your apartment, one hand holding the door, you just stare. Stare at the drenched figure standing in front of you.
Your eyes lock with his, and he sighs, seeing how you're tearing up seeing him at your doorstep. He suddenly remembers how you both never even imagined that you would fall so madly for each other.
Back when he thought you were the annoying uptight classmate and he was, well, himself. Arrogant, pompous, rich, handsome, and senior at your university. Your story was a very cliché one where he just saw you as a nerdy junior while he was what everyone wanted to be, successful, charming and top of the class but right now he feels he couldnt give two shits about what he was because he is the reason behind what he loathes the most, your tears.
He never envisioned that the first argument would be over such a small thing, well, small for him because he would do this again and again and again until he feels like he doesnt need to do it again.
But the thing is, you feel mad because he could've been arrested. He felt mad because he couldn't beat the living crap outta the guy more than he already did. You see his brusied lip and let out a resigned sigh, tsking you step aside, letting him step inside as well.
"You could've gotten arrested!"
"I dont give a single fuck, baby."
"They have called you over at the dean's, what if you get suspended! "
"I dont give. A. fuck."
You remember him saying that before he walked out of the building to the deans office. You felt mad at the moment. You felt mad at him, but you were mainly mad at the whole situation.
The thing is, Taehyung really didnt give two flying fucks about the dean or the guy ending up with stitches. He did what he had to. The little brusie on your head made his blood boil again and he felt like the whole incident flashed before his eyes. You, on the floor, the table your head hit on flipped by your side, your friends trying to shield you while that asshole smirking at your fallen figure.
His fingers reach out to your bruise at the same time your hand lifted to his lip. You graze his cut and sigh, the blood slightly crusted on his skin as you both wince at the touch.
"He is probably being suspended."
You had heard some students talking, and you felt your heart clench because he had his mid sems coming.
Pulling onto his sleeve, you bring him further inside, no words exchanged, just the little pitter patter of the rain on the windows. If you knew he would lash out, you would've tried anything to avoid the whole incident. Maybe you wouldn't have confronted the guys about the bullying you heard on campus. Maybe you wouldnt have confronted the guy about him bullying your friend, maybe you wouldn't have told him you would complain because the next moment you were on the ground and the other moment the guy was getting punched, the guy underneath him with a bloody jaw and nose.
His friends tried to pull him away when they saw the blood on Taehyung's fist. When they did, you took his hand and pulled him into the corridor, noticing how the students were filming and some were calling the teachers.
"You can't just punch him like that, you cant stoop to his level!"
Thats what you said and Taehyung had scoffed.
"Might as well break his nose again."
He had said it with the blood of the bully on his hand. So fucking worth it, he thought.
He was later called into the dean's office as you decided to wait outside. Although he had told you to leave, you waited and waited until you received his text to go home where he'll come and meet you since it was getting dark outside and you used to walk home.
Taehyung (05:17): go, baby. please
The clock ticked louder every second as you both stood in silence, you werent mad at him. You just felt guilty for the things he faced today, and taehyung hated that you felt this way.
You took him to the bedroom where he left his clothes in the last time he stayed over. You had them washed and dried and folded into a neat pile into your closet. He found your organizing adorable. You picked out a comfortable outfit for him so that he could change his wet clothes, offering him a towel along with it.
He smiled at how thoughtful you were and smiled. "Baby..." he started with a fond expression. You looked away as you felt your eyes well up. You felt so bad that he had to miss his mid sems because of you because of the suspension.
He was the best student in his batch and now you were the reason he couldnt get his desired grade. Taehyung ruffled your hair as you sniffed,
"It's okay...theyre just internals, I'll do better next sem, baby." He says as you sniff again, and Taehyung kisses the top of your head, his height almost a head taller than you.
He did what he had to, he doesnt care he got suspended, he doesnt care his lip is brusied, he doesnt care the teachers arent happy about him missing his classes, he is just glad he beat the fucker who laid his hands on you and if you ask him, he'll do it again.
"Change your clothes, baby." You say sniffing and turning around to give him some privacy. He saw you turning and smiled when he noticed you chewing onto your nails nervously. He shakes his head with a chuckle, seeing that you still feel shy around him.
Clicking his tongue, he gently grabs your waist and turns you around.
You turn around, humming in question as you notice the look in his eyes. You look up nervously, eyes looking into his, widening slightly when you notice his hands going for his drenched t-shirt. The moonlight reflecting against his skin made him seem like the water droplets were glistening as they clung to his skin.
He held your gaze as if challenging you to move your eyes, you couldn't, and you didn't.
Taking off his t-shirt torturously slow, he steps closer. Your eyes flicker to his bare torso, cheeks blushing when you realize he noticed your gawking. The fact that this man had the power to make you nervous no matter how many times you have made out with him, straddled his lap, got pinned underneath him, or borderline dry humped each other. He still made you nervous.
Although you both had decided to take things slow because he knew he could be a little overwhelming sometimes so he let you set the pace, but sometimes..
He was a grown up, not a teenager but sometimes when you blushed under his gaze, wore that little sundress, wore that perfume, put your hair in a ponytail, put on his favorite gloss, pout in concentration while you studied, sometimes he felt his control slipping.
The things he wants to do to you would overwhelm the shit outta you right now, so he grits his teeth as you shy away underneath his gaze right now. His thumb slips into the waistband of his joggers slowly pushing them down to relief his hard on, his other hand reaching up to your jaw.
He feels you gulp as his thumb traces your neck while his palm holds your jaw gently. Your breathing turns slightly heavy when he parts your lips and you let out a whimper, his thumb reaching for your bottom lip, nastily pressing onto the plush of your lip to part them further apart.
Fuck. You both think.
"Tae.." You whisper breathlessly, gaze flicking down to his thumb hooked into his joggers, and he groans, tightening his hold slightly on your jaw.
"Give me a minute, baby. I'll meet you in the lobby after I change." He says, pulling his hand back reluctantly as you nod, slight disappointment on your face at his hand pulling back but you understand. Slow.
You take a step back but step closer again, staring at him for a sec contemplating how to say what you want to say, "um.." you hesitate, and he hums in question, encouraging you to continue.
"I...wanted to thankyou.." you whisper looking at your feet.
"Baby you dont have to-"
"I do, taehyung. No one has ever stood up for me this way, ever so..." you say looking up and tip toeing to his height, kissing his lips gently.
Hands curled by your side, you tilt your head deepening the kiss. You hear him take a sharp breath you nibble on his lip, loosing yourself in the feeling, you gain balance by gripping the sides of his joggers. Your fingers grazing his waist slightly as you hear him take a deep breathe before pulling you towards him with a whine. A whine.
He pulls you in by your waist and squeeze your hip, you mewl into his mouth making his push his tongue inside. You wanna feel his body so bad, touch him all over, but you refrain. The day has been stressful for the both of you and even though you both could help each ither with the stress, you knew you both need some calm.
Some other day.
As he pulls away with a wet smack, he smiles, seeing how you chased his lips. He gently bites down onto your jaw, and you whimper.
"So..thankyou." you smile seeing him pant after the kiss and he smiles back resting his firehead against yours.
He feels like his heart might burst due to the love he feels for you, the urge to protect you from the world making him hold you waist tighter.
"Go baby, I'll come cuddle you in just a minute." He says, nudging his nose into yours as you nod still fiddling with the fabric of his pockets. You turn around and smile, "dont take long.."
"I wont." He says
The whole day felt like a fever dream to you, so many layers and so many things happening at once. Your gaze fixed on your already open laptop on the table in your living room, the netflix screen staring at you asking to choose an account to start the app.
You feel so safe with him it makes you scared, the what ifs, the insecurities, the past break ups make you feel scared. He might make sure that its okay, you just hope this doesnt affect anything in the future.
Your zoned out brain shivers out of the trance when you feel Taehyung squeeze your nape massaging it almost making you moan, he sits next to you, cuddly and warm, hair slightly damp but still the coziness he provided was better than any blanket you had.
"It's gonna be okay..." He whispered into your hair.
And even though the day didn't go according to how you wished or imagined to be, but in his arms, you believe that everything will surely be okay.
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Requests regarding the scenerios you would want me to write about this couple are always welcome but please know that I cant write it as instantly I recieve it, I will try but please stay patient. Love you all!🩷
#kooksbunnnn#taehyung fluff#taehyung fanfic#taehyung imagine#taehyung smut#kim taehyung x reader#kim taehyung x you#taehyung angst#taehyung x reader#taehyung fic#taehyung x you#taehyung#kim taehyung#bts one shot#bts fic#bts angst#bts au#bts fanfction#bts fanfic#bts fanfiction#bts drabble#bts fic rec#bts fic recs#bts fluff#bts ff#bts imagine#bts imagines#bts#bangtan sonyeondan#bangtan smut
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i need a fic of soap bringing ghost home to his family for the holidays. his family’s always disapproved of everything; being queer, being in the military, being with ghost and it’s all over not a great time but they’re trying to pretend for the sake of the holiday. they get into it after dinner one night though and for once soap isn’t backing down, not when it’s ghost they’re attacking, when the power suddenly goes out. soap moves just in time for a shot to come through the window and he orders his family to get down
graves and what’s left of shadow company followed them to glasgow; it’s the first time they’ve been away from the 141 and they think it’ll be their best chance to take them out. johnny and simon are left behind as they become soap and ghost and soap’s childhood home becomes a battleground, his hysterical family who still think he can’t be that good of a soldier now civilians that he has to protect and get out in one piece
#its the full gambit of sisters with their partners and kids#all with respectable normal jobs and lives#then theres john still running around playing soldier and now shacking up with his commanding officer#soaps been quiet the entire time just gritting his teeth and letting them have go after go in the name of peace#ghosts been fuming the entire time but his own family trauma and not wanting to go against johnnys wishes keeps his mouth shut#and then that instant switch the second the bullet comes through the window#theyre sergeant mactavish and lieutenant ghost now and they dont give a single shit about anything butgetting out alive#‘we need to call the police!’#‘call local pd who’re drunk off their arses and never fired their guns in their fucking lives yeah right’#‘this isnt the time for you to play soldier’#‘youre right. this isnt a game. its war and youre gonna shut the fuck up and let me get you outta this alive’#ghost sneaks upstairs to get the hidden guns he brought and to get one of the kids whod been napping#soap stays to get everyone out of the way and watch out for hostiles#ghost slides him a sniper rifle and he takes out the sniper on the opposite roof and when he looks back at his family theyre#looking at him like theyve never seen him before#i just need soap whos been underestimated his entire life showing just how competent he really is#soapghost#ghostsoap#soap mactavish#soap cod#ghost cod#simon ghost riley#we’re a team. ghost team
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happy we love defending our teammates around here from mr aj "thats one of the biggest things is im very loyal to my teammates and no ones going to take liberties and take any cheap shots towards my teammates" greer
if youd like to know what caused aj to go after kastelic its because of two hits on adam and jesper that happen within 7 seconds of each other and while casters were quick to note the jesper hit they never mentioned kastelic basically riding adam near the benches hard not even a few seconds before that and those within tandem is what makes aj go enoughs enough! and shed his gloves
there has to be something so funny about jesper and uvis hovering nearby as aj just (insert the dog eating cabbage angrily video)
despite wrastling the shit out of a guy aj wants more and honestly a perfect addition to our kitty lineup!! oh delightful little cat!!
boston bruins @ florida panthers | 10.8.24
#aj greer#adam boqvist#jesper boqvist#uvis balinskis#florida panthers#2425#i love how hes on a line with gadjo and yet ajs the one out here fighting#im sure they gonna take turns#oh the 4th line is utterly chaotic if not because paul decided having aj and gadjo together was a good idea#(it is. they are our scrappy 4th line. you can tell paul is has certain dynamics and trops in mind when he constructs the 4th line)#(which is 2 feral gremlins that are ready to fight at all times and their tall calm beauty of a centre that walks them on leashes)#(paul youre a genius)#anyways aj is filling our lombo sized hole if not because he also wears absolutely nothing underneath his underarmour#sliver of skin...#reads books and flashes skin? oh weve got an anamoly over here!!#do you know how funny it is that jesper just pulls up to get an upclose of aj beating the shit out of a guy#you know how dancers in fe have such high evasion so technically they can be in the middle of battle#but because of their low atk they fucking suck and you dont want them in the middle of battle#but also if they stand near units they can give them boons alongside an extra turn if they dance for them...#thats what jesper is to me the little dancer in the middle of battle who should not be there but is there for morale reasons#jesper if you bat your eyelashes a single time i think aj would maul that man for you#4th line dynamics are slowly coming to me as this season will go on but honestly? fucking hilarious
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...
#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
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Murder trio
i actually cried seeing this in my inbox i will not lie. like actually fucking cried tears of joy /srs absolutely no words can express just how absolutely thralled i am that you drew this. i'm actually ACTUALLY so so overjoyed and flattered and so happy that someone could manage to encapsulate just how much i love the jk!trio and just how silly they are and how you put your own spin on this and made them just as cute and silly and amazing as i've always wanted to see I'M ACTUALLY CRYING THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR DRAWING THE JK!MTT 😭😭😭
im so sorry for the late answer i have literally had no time to draw but TYSM FOR THIS I DREW MORE JK AU 4 YOU TO THANK YOU❤️❤️💜💜💙💙 ‼️‼️
they just got out of an extreme gaming session at the boardwalk arcade and now the suns setting and killer wants to get ice cream before it sets so they can watch the sunset but as usual she's a bit too excited for horror and dust to keep up and dust is absolutely dying (she gets ZERO excercise and killer is FAST) and horror just wants to take her time and also spare dust from killer's wrathful running speed. its ok though they manage to eat the icecream while watching the sunset even while slowed down (the vibes in this one are immaculate this is what jk fashion au stands for. silly fluffy important friendship bonding memories. i love. it's not full effort because i wanted to get this done quickly so i wouldnt respond late but im UNFORTUNATELY busy and now its been a day,,,,, I STILL LOVE THE ART YOU SENT ME THANM YKJ SO MUCH)
#nobody understands just how much i love this#NOBODY DOES. NOT A SINGLE ONE OF YOU. NONE.#this means so much to me i actually cant even explain#i NEVER expected that someone would ACTUALLY DRAW JK FASHION MTT. I NEVER DID#I JUST MADR JK AU BECAUSE I WAS FEELING LONELY AND BORED AND I LIKED THE CONCEPT#AND SOMEONE COMES OUT HERE AND MAKES ART OF SOMETHING I DIDN'T EVEN PUT THAT MUCH EFFORT INTO#IM ACTUALLY OVERJOYED I CANT BELIEVE THIS#i love art i love expression i love experiencing joy from the kindness of others#i don't even cry that much but this legitimately made me cry. like seriously#and theyre so cute and theyre so happy and sweet and amazing#and the rendering on this is absolutely fucking gorgeous#and i love how horror looks cute but she's giving dirty looks and all that#and killer is JUST SO HAPPY AND GO LUCKY AND STUPID I LOVE HER#DUST MY ANTISOCIAL BABY SHE LOOKS SO EMBARRASSED TO BE HERE#THIS IS SOOOO CUTE I CSNT HELP IM CDRYING IM DYING#how long did this take. i need to know. i can't believe you actually made art of my cheap concept and it looks so good#god now i need to draw more jk!mtt. just knowing that there's someone out there that likes the au so much makes me wanna create#goddamn ink and his joy of creating. he's cheering me on in my head right now#THIS IS LITERALLY THEM. THE MUTED COLOR PALETTES LOOK SO GOOD FOR THE FIRST 2#AND THEN THE BRIGHT PASTEL THIRS ONE??? ITS EXACTLY THE KIND OF GIRLY PASTEL CUTE I LOVE WITH THEM#unrelated but when i saw this in my inbox and it was censored i was expecting to see gore or something. not THIS. christmas came early#i had to whip up a thank you response quick and fast because this is the biggest mkst flattering thing ever. how can i not be thankful#how much art will it take to repay you for your time and effort. i will keep making jk au art until its been repaid#i really wanna use this as my pfp but i dont wanna not credit you so can i pls use it for my pfp.....???? will credit!!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PL#maybe i'll just redraw one of these and use it as my pfp instead if that's ok. i need to change my pfp anyways#ITS STOLEN ART AND I CANT FFIND THR OG ARTIST AND ITS BOTHERING ME I SHOULD CHANG IT#i get all giddy and happy and giggly when i see this it means so much to me. this is the best thing thats happened in ever#tricule asks#tricule art#jk fashion au
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i think people should be fully allowed to opt out of working jobs and still be able to live comfortably no matter what their situation is and im not fucking kidding
#i keep thinking about my dad a few weeks back being like 'i think everyone needs to earn their share by working' and internally i was like#actually i think thats fucking stupid LOL but ive thought that for a while now#it also only just occured to me that i dont even know how disabled people fits into that idea of his#but theres many flaws to his idea#granted theres also flaws to mine but im not a fucking government dude idk how that shit works. and idc#cause i still think this should be a thing anyway#and people can be like 'but then no one will work! what about all the jobs that we need!' people will still work dumbass#plus honestly people dont like the idea of jobs being taken by robots but i actually do think some would be fine being taken by robots#like self check out is a thing and old people are like 'wah wah why should i use it if im not being paid to do the cashiers job wah wah'#shut the fuck up who literally gives a single fuck. when im alone i literally always use the self checkout its genuinely faster and easier#and also i dont like interacting with people if i dont have to. win win. plus retail workers are famously miserable#most retail jobs like. might actually just be replacable. not all of them. but some#this has become a lot ignore me lol im just saying stuff#also i know people will be like 'whaaa but youre anti ai wdym you think jobs should be replaced by robots!?'#i think art cant be replaced by robots. but being a fucking cashier? the biggest issue there is just shoplifting i mean come on#whatever this isnt a full on debate or anything im just rambling lol#ignore me
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ok i am actually so very angry and there's literally nothing i can do to fix it. life keeps going on. she might even be happy. and fuck dude, i'll make sure im happy too, i was a fully developed person before she was in my life and i'll continue to be one without her. but God Damn, the fact that she can just do something so blatantly awful and unfair to me and then run off without any actual repercussions is just so fucking rankling to me.
like perhaps she feels guilty. she said she did when it was all going down. but it was just something she "needed to do". so obviously she didn't feel guilty enough or she wouldnt have done it like that lmaoooo
i really did deserve to have a good solid yell at her. but unfortunately, by the time i did see her in person i just wanted her out of my fucking life. so. no yelling was done, unfortunately.
#speculation nation#the duality of being a deeply resentful and angry person. and being a person that Tries to be mature and peaceful.#like im not gonna actually Do shit even tho i keep wanting to message her just to yell at her some more again#it's like there's a beast in me that keeps yelling for retribution. she wronged me in such a disrespectful and humiliating way#and yet she just gets to walk away like it was nothing? live her life like it was nothing?#be in 'love' with her new 'soulmate' after cutting me off like a rotten limb?#i feel so DEEPLY angry. i want to spit vitriol and fire. i want to dig my claws into her bones. make her really FEEL how i feel.#i want to wander into her dreams and make her experience what i felt. every miserable second of silence.#the humiliation of admitting you might be falling in love only to be told you were never loved at all.#and i want to knee her in the gut and spit in her face and really make her regret ever fucking wronging me#but unfortunately im a stupid fucking pacifist so all the aggression and anger and violence has no FUCKING outlet#ive been. trying to not think about it too much. ive been trying to just live my life. because i dont want her to run my life.#but the anger keeps catching up to me. filtering in when i dont expect it. endless constant fucking thoughts coming back to me#on and on and on and on i live and i eat and i read and i game and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i HATE AND I HATE#the greatest injustice is that i cannot make her truly feel every single ounce of my resentment and anger#it's so overwhelming i think i could choke on it. and she gets to live her FUCKING happy little life with her stupid fucking 'soulmate'#i hope it collapses around her and she loses her too so she's single and alone and miserable and regretting all of her fucking impulsivenes#she deserves to have it fail after what she did to me. and all i can really do is hope that karma has its fucking kiss for her.#if only curses were real. what i wouldnt give to put some energy into that karmic payback lmfao.#ok . ok ok ok ok love and peace on planet earth. i am shifting out of vitriolic little shit mode.#just had to let some of the steam out. im still angry but i am going to go back to not thinking about it.#i think i should go on a nice long bike ride tomorrow. to decompress and work some of the steam out.#it's something that she can never take from me. something that is so wholly mine. fuck that stupid bitch and fuck her new girlfriend too#...............................ok NOW im shifting out of vitriolic mode. lol#negative/#WAHOOOOOO i am certainly not taking this breakup well. but i dont think anyone would be lmfao.#all things considered i think im doing a pretty great job at handling this breakup.#bc at least im only recounting unrealistic threats and fantasies on my tumblr dot com instead of messaging Any of this to her.#i may kinda want her to read it so that she knows anyways. but i wont message her directly. bc i am Trying to be at least a little mature.#complaining on my tumblr dot com so i dont message my ex with more vitriol. gotta cope Somehow.
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oh wow just saw flatmate messaged saying another friend passed smth on like oh okay. I didn't realise he went too u didn't say. in fact none of u said anything to me so that's great
#he lives hours away thats a lot of travel just for drinks#when she asked me she said it was her + one other person. going out for drinks in evening.#but clearly she took the day off work bc ghosts dont do laundry. so it was a whole day trip. so why tell me it was just drinks#unless she just wanted a good excuse for me not to come. okay 👍#i cant even make myself mad abt it like fair enough man. i get it.#and if last weekend is anything to go off she probably wont ask me at all in the future#well as long as they have fun it doesnt matter i guess. im tired of feeling like im just intruding in everyones lives#and everyone fucking lying like what u say doesnt line up with how u act i can tell its not real im not that fucking stupid#ive dealt with this so many times before average autistic experience im tired of naively believing ppl and then the rug being pulled#sorry for being the way i am and for wanting things and for trying to take up space i give up its not worth it anyway#at least this is giving me smth to feel shit abt instead of just formless malaise. makes it easier to deal with that way#anyway. just need to get my shit enough together to leave the house by 3 so i can pick up this stuff for work#and i can do most of my other chores tmr so thats fine#i hate how much fucking time i waste feeling awful. no wonder other ppl have time to watch n read n create n whatever so much more than me#half of my fucking life is spent in my head trying and failing to emotionally regulate im so so sick of it#i wish i never had to think a single thought again and maybe id be happy#jesus fucking christ. well i need to leave my room soon bc i need to pee im not depressed enough to piss in a bucket just yet#hope i never get to that stage again amen uni was pretty fucking dire#.vent#hate weekends so fucking much what a waste of free time
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Yaoi has poisoned all of your fucking brains !!
#Yakuza HATEblog#i dont want to hear about the new yakuza trailer where kiryu proposed to soemone he wouldnnever do that thats so scary#also they refered to sayama as the cop lady like please show some respect to her she didnt be annoying for you to forget her#ive become homophobic now because i hated seeing a particular post so much like that will never happen you are crazy#like no this isnt how kzmj can win they have never even once considered a future together because kiryus foreplanning ended when he lost#his brother and majima has spent half her life waiting for saejima to come back like they have more important things to worry about#and kiryu is not able to share his kids with anybody he cant simultaneously raise haruka with someone he has to either be a single dad or an#absent dad no in between and sometimes haruka is left parentless in the middle of that mess but its not kiryus problem hes driving cars amd#beating people up .... well he does care sorry for insinuating he doesnt ... he thinks about his kids every day#but i guarantee you he does not think about majima every day i swear it to you he does not care about her that much !!! i have to forever#stress this doesnt mean that he hates majima but it simply means that shes not his priority AND SHE WILL NEVER BE !!! kiryu will never#risk it all just for a suckle on that majiwilly like he doesnt like her that much ... if kiryu didnt even give majima so much as a phonecall#when he was ignoring her the entirety of y3 AFTER tossing her back to the wolves just so he can play house at okinawa.. hes not going to#suddenly realise that he wants to spend the rest of his life with majima hes going to be pondering how miserable he is while beating the#fuck out of people because sorry i didnt actually pay attention to the gaiden stuff is kiryu a hitman now or some sort of mercenary either#way its so hot that hes paralleled by y0 majima because hes so depressed and wants to kill himself and forced to wear a nice suit and do#things he doesnt want to while being kept on a tight leash like hohooho ... have sex with me ...!!!#im going to kill him myself to put him out of his misery if i have to ... just let kiryu run off to america and join the cia im kidding but#wait i just thought of him actually running off and sayama pulling some strings in the force to keep people from looking for him because#shes like a bigshot cop now ... i think she should be able to cradle him gently and keep him like a show cat#a shivering wet penis in the rain and she takes him in and gives him a loving home ... i feel a little embarrassed talking about hetships#but the concept of kiryu just being in her house and living with her is making me laugh like wow ... hes straight now.... like obviously hes#still not going to be like lets get married 🥰 but sayama would want to... i believe that she could forge their documents so kiryu isnt an#illegal immigrant anymore and she gives him an american name so john yakuza can become real ... its like a fake dating au but they really#arent dating theyre just having sex and acting out scenes from a kdrama but eventually kiryu will have to go back because hes so sad#without his kids and he needs to see them one last time to pass away peacefully. sorry i just remembered how much older kiryu was than#sayama like thats a bit funny ... like i still think kiryu should be into older guys or girls but like we cant always have that happen#like how majimas options for getting fucked by creepy old guys are getting lesser year by year because those old geezers keep dying and hes#old now too ... like theyre so old thats fucked. i know ive been saying how kzmj can never win but i do think majima should breastfeed kiryu
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work anxiety starting before work itself hahahahaahahahahahahhhaha
#IM BAKCIJ THE FUCKIGN BUIDLIGN .AGAIN. AUSUSUXHEHWHGLHKF#im grateful i have an internship for this summer with the way the job market is like currently.#im grateful that i have the opportunity to lessen the burden on my parents shoulders. im grateful that this job can pay rent and groceries#and tuition for a few terms im grateful i get to gain experience while still in school that will hekp me in the future#IM GRATEFUL FOR ALL THIS!!!!! BUT STILL I FUCLING HATE EVERYTHJGN#i hate being unable to eat anything ir sleep at night bc all i can think about is shit i have work tomorrow i have to email this guy and#finish these tasks and impress my manager and be approachable and enthusiastic and eager to learn and not make any mistakes#and not fail anything bc im getting graded on this its alwags grades its always the fucking grades#isnt it. it was the grades that had me crying on walks home from school when i was 9 and it was grades that made me waste away 9th grade#it was grades that made me unable to stomach anything during weeks with tests and it was and is still grades that#dictate every single fucking part of my life#and even tho the ppl who used to yell at me for getting a B in math in 5th grade are no longer yelling at me for getting 60s in linear algeb#ra and stats and calculus and cs#haha.ha when ur university is famous for its.. horribly high suicdie rates#i find that the yelling comes from me now. ive replaced the adults who would sit beside me at the dinner table#yelling bc yea guess what 8 year old me didnt understand division at first#god i hate this school so much. i hate what im studying im gratefula nd am so privileged to be ahle to further my educarion and receive#all these experiences mot everyone can have but god everytime i return to the city where the school is#i feel like throwing up and sobbing and just never ipening my eyes again#haha yea. i hope i csn get a job to support myself in the future#i hope i can still have time for hobbies#why si everyone at school so good at everything#ive met more people who have passed their rcm 10 and arct exams for piano than those who havent#i have classes with people who have already published research papers with professors in the states#my classmates can breeze through a cs assignment while still playing fir varisty teams. working out everyday. goijg ti parties.#eating and cooking balsnced meals each week. having a social life..the whole combo#meanwhile i get overwhelmed because i have to respond to an email and finish an assignment in one day#how do i become like them#why was this about work anxiety at first and why is it about the eternal imposter syndrome and lack of self confidence#i just want money man... i dont give a shit about snything anymore
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everytime i think im done ranting i remember something else LMFAO this one is extra long i hit tag limit god mf damn
#self#for instance.....my mom wants me to cut off everyone who is still tied to the school#and im so mad at myself for feeling a certain type of way when the campus manager called me not too long ago basically to tell me she doesnt#trust the girl who did this shit and she wasnt mad at me but was also mad at me for bringing her to her dads house#for reference we were trying to get a cat from the campus managers dads house LMFAO#and i honestly cannot wait to speak to her again and be like 😔 god dammit you were right like you were every single time#i just dont understand the wiring in her head to think the shit she says and does to people is normal and okay and how she doesnt realize it#is literally a mental health break. when i finally told my mom the first thing she said was shes probably off her medication#which.....probably isnt wrong sadly coming from someone who has borderline and very easily can lose it#but the difference is i dont give in to the urges to try to hurt everyone around me in every way i can#and me and her have said before that we thought she might also have borderline because we were very similar#but god damn does she love proving that if she has it its extremely severe or its something else entirely#on an honest note. shes incredibly narcissistic and i know her mom is part of the reason shes that way bc she was given princess treatment#her entire fucking life and then doesnt understand when other people dont treat her the same way#i hate rambling about this and i hate it that it is bothering me so fucking bad but like ???#if youre going to decide that you can put our past aside period and move on then fucking do that and stop bringing the past up as a way to#hurt me and the people around you???? she acts like shes not done horrible fucking things to people. so sorry i wrote a letter that was very#honest at the time. so sorry that when you found out i apologized for it and said i regret it because 2 weeks after my apology i no longer#regret writing it. if its making school a living hell for you....theres probably a reason for that girlfriend#i am not the person who put that shit in your folder#though i seriously fucking doubt its actually in her folder shes probably assuming it is#and youre the one who made a complete ass of yourself to every educator that ever stepped foot in that building#that has nothing to do with me that you are a literal warning given to every new educator!!!! i havent even been in school there in months#yet IM the problem??? how am i the problem when i graduated in fucking january???? everything since then falls on you#AND YET AGAIN! MIGHT I MENTION! IT IS NOT JUST MY LETTER!!! THERES AT LEAST 2 OTHER ONES!!!!!#BECAUSE IM NOT THE ONLY PERSON SHE DOES THIS SHIT TO!!!!#god sometimes i sit back and realize that theres a reason she regresses as a person and i do not#im not going to sit still anymore and let someone walk all over me and she can thank herself for that#shes who taught me that blocking and running as fast as i can doesnt fix anything#so here we are bitch. youre not blocked and im sure youre sitting at home thinking about how youre right about everything
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honestly people in this country have not heard of the saying the more the merrier, and have not figured out what it means to be hospitable yet
#personal#I've had like 20 people ask me if I have plans for new year's eve yet and I said I don't and Nobody asked me to join them#and these are all people that like to spend time with me and tell me how much they like me all the time#my friend has hundreds of friends yet he still spends every christmas alone in his apartment#and NONE of his friends have asked him to spend christmas with them#what is wrong with people#new years eve okay but how are you going to let someone spend christmas alone?#y'all are having dinner anyway invite one extra person over who gives a fuck if it's not family your family sucks anyway and he's great#or just the amount of times I've asked people to do something fun and they're like I'm already going with (these six people)#my friend asked me to go to something and I said I'm going with my friend would you like to join us?#I asked my coworker to go out for a drink and she said her husband was picking her up#so I told her he could join us if they both wanted that'd be fun and she was Shocked#????#this apparently does not happen?#there's this weird designated group of people that time gets spent with and you will just not be invited#and there's also a weird thing about couples only spending time with other couples and they dont invite their single friends anymore ??????#I don't understand a lot of things#I was raised by books that didn't take place in this country maybe that's why I have different ideas when it comes to this#and like the most social and kind people too right??#confused.....#we ran into a friend we all VERY much like we were all SO excited to see her#and we were on our way to go out for dinner#and everybody was like it's so good to see you hi how are you#so i invited her over for dinner and everybody was like ?????#what the fuck do you mean ????? we're... wha???? you're all acting like feral dogs#I've spoken to a lot of people from different countries who moved here and they're like it's impossible to make friends here#because they will just not invite you out when theyre hanging out with a group of friends#you can not become part of their friend group because That's already their friend group - even if they like you a LOT#and I'm like I know I don't know what the fuck is wrong with us
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#coming to tumblr for the first time in three days just to bitch because i feel like shit <333#sorry if i havent responded to your message i will as soon as i get a grip but rn im just too busy#both with uni and with crying because a friend said a mean thing to me lol#and because im tired of this new friendship already and tired of hearing this girl talking how great she is lol#am i jealous? fuck yeah i am.#and it's not like she's mean like straight up. cause like.#when i say im really considering quitting and dropping out she tries to encourage me ig#but then she follows it up with 'ofc *I* never had a problem with this and that because it always just came naturally to me teehee#but yknow. dont give up uwu'#and she keeps sending me recordings of her singing to tell her how good she is and always tells me how her teacher praises her#and like. its cool. like i get it that its a nice feeling when you do something well and wanna share that joy with a friend#but idk. i just think its kinda. well not mean but a litt#*a little tone deaf? when ive just been telling her that im in a Bad Place rn and my voice isnt working as it should#and my pianist is bullying me and i end up crying on almost every lesson#and she hits me with a 'damn that sucks fuck that pianist dont give up tho <3#now do you wanna listen to me sing bel raggio lusinghier like a pro and my professor telling me i am sublime?'#also when i tell her that im sorry that im not very social and i just cannot stay and chat cause im having a horrible day today#and really dont feel well and she's like 'yeah i havent noticed anything you're always like that... *side eye*' in a way that suggests#im a horrible friend cause im not talking with her enough and yet again im disappointing her (aint that familiar lol)#i just. idk. the last two-three weeks have been absolutely horrible to me. i cant get out of bed i havent done a single colorful make up#in so long ive basically forgotten how to do that. and i loved doing fun make up looks that make people tell me i look like a clown.#but i just dont have the energy to do anything more than put on a random tshirt and spray dry shampoo on my unwashed hair#i dont even wear my rings anymore. ive stopped caring about being the pinkest slayest queerest looking bitch in the room cause i just. cant#and even some casual friend of mine asked me yesterday if im okay cause they can see something is Not Right. but SHE not only doesnt notice#anything. i have a feeling she feels like im disappoing and neglecting her because i cant be bothered to text with her 24/7#like idk. maybe its just my imagination but i barely even feel like an actual person. more like just a homunculus made to trail after her#and listen to her bragging about how pretty/talented/unbothered she is#oh and also for her to keep dissing m/ozart lol like idk why it hurts me so bad but then ig its not that unusual to feel shitty#when someone keeps talking shit about something you really love and are passionate about and making you feel like an idiot#because you like it. because its stupid and boring and you're a simpleton for enjoying it instead of liking sth more 'ambitious'
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"Stop being such a fatalist" okay, well if people could stop choosing the worst possible option for any given scenario maybe I would.
#sam speaks#this is about my boss#who saw our team struggling with 4 people#asked us if we wanted another person or more money#and when we all said another person proceeded to ignore us and not hire anyone else#OR give us a raise#and in fact paid me less and less per payday#and then when my car broke down instead of trying to work out#how me and my roommate who also works there and is transported by me could still get to work#was like if you dont come in I take that as you quitting#so now they're down to two people#how was that NOT the single worst route possible to take#like why the fuck are you in charge of anyone???#you couldn't lead your way out of an empty fucking room with an open door#not to mention having already overworked all of us to the point of breakdowns#i hope i get a new job fast#and i hope its better than the lsst one
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really awesome day to think everythings going alright and then you wake up and get hit in the face twice in a row
#vent#why am i suddenly the worst person to exist to everyone again for having bpd and complex emotions. 2023s coming back in a new way#like oh wow Have you ever thoguht of how Aria Feels. Have you ever thought to fucking talk to me about this . god.#this specific group of people keeps making me miserable and then complains about me being miserable about it. like yea. bc that makes sense#maybe i shouldve left all of you huh. maybe i shouldve done that. i need to be the one with agency over my emotions for fucking once.#everyone walks all over me and expects it to do nothing. keeping my fears in check and keeping my confirmation biases very much there.#lua if you see this that was entirely fucking unwarranted. im not some fucking evil person. i just have BPD. we tried.#i dont like venting to you for every single little thing either and it makes me miserable too! it wouldve been nice if you said that first.#all of it made me miserable but thats all we ever fucking talked about.#i really fucking tried just to get kicked down and spit at again for something so stupid and then the remaining 3 also left again.#what am i supposed to do. what do you want me to do.#i genuinely tried. i always wanted to try but just got left with questions and unexplainable emotions. and now everythings like this again#no explanations. nothing to give me any benefit of the doubt. just no youre evil and awful for this thing that we all also do but#were all going to blame YOU for not being honest about your emotions. and then i start being very open about my emotions#and people hate that too. literally what do you fucking want from me anymore. have i been anything other than a strawman to any of you#just an ideal to chase . just whatever you want to form me into ?#i am not a saint and never claim to be or claim to be the best or even most reasonable opinion. but you should all maybe evaluate that your#extraordinarily comically bad at anything regarding this. better at communicating my fucking ass.#i dont want to be at either of you twos fucking whims anymore. i dont even want to be at my own.#leave me the hell alone. observe me at a distance. just dont fucking talk to me until you have something better to say.#i did not need that. it is unfair to me. not now. not any time. not near my birthday not near new years. i did not need this suddenly today#because people dont communicate anything to me. and then expect me to be fine to be slapped in the face with it like its expected.#you people fucking suck.#i feel abused by fucking everyone. i am not a real person to any of you and never will be. nobody cared about my personhood#and you know what. im fine with that. because neither of you are here anymore.#literally i am mentally not built for people who made me miserable then blaming me for my misery . or the most stupid friendgroup drama of#the century i am built for playing touys and having fun Fuck u all forever get out of my life FOREVER !#itll probably come back again and then ill be mentally susceptible to this bullshit again but for now literally just . fuck off.#i dont want to be in your ouroboros ( lol ) of endless misery feedback loop bullshit anymore#like woww i have problems but Wow. Its almost like you two made it worse? Idk! Just a thought.
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